When it was February and I was a walking icicle sporting perpetually blue lips and what my boyfriend affectionately referred to as “corpse feet,” I couldn’t wait for the day when it would be warm and I could gracefully saunter (in this dream, I was coordinated) on a warm beach in nothing but a flowing dress and a very dark tan feeling the sun’s rays envelop me in their warm glow. I could finally shed the “homeless chic” look I had grown accustomed to where the only rule was “you can never layer too many sweaters…or socks” and I might even be able to stop sleeping in gloves (the new lingerie!)
I guess you have to be careful what you wish for because with summer comes summer trends and some of them, I just can’t understand. Before you get all judgy, I do understand that the world right now is full of war and death and destruction and it just happens to be without Robin Williams, which completely and totally sucks. These are definitely bigger issues than chunky man sandals being worn on otherwise well-dressed women (ugh) but seriously, if there was nothing to laugh at, we would all just be perpetually upset lumps of sad and I, for one, am not going to let that happen. So please take your judgements and kindly place them in a pocket of your ultra high-waisted shorts that you cut yourself. You know the one…it’s right by your rib cage.
I actually tried to like high-waisted shorts. I even thought they might be flattering. But when I was in the changing room and the zipper took approximately five days to fully zip up, I knew that they weren’t for me. I could have made a long-distance phone call on a rotary phone in the time it took to zip those shorts. I could have rappelled off a 90-story building (using the zipper!) in the time it took to zip up those shorts. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Surely there must be a middle ground between boob-strangling shorts and low-rise monstrosities that allow strangers to see into your deepest crevices and I’m definitely not talking about your soul. The women before us suffered so we wouldn’t have to! Say no to the high-waisted shorts! Or don’t and keep wearing them with crop tops at music festivals. Express yourself or whatever.
And then you have normcore, which I think is a trend where it’s cool to dress like a 90’s mom or a character from Seinfeld? Never have I EVER watched an episode of Seinfeld and wondered to myself, “Hey, where did Elaine get that ravishing floral maxi dress? Do you think the white t-shirt worn underneath came with it or would I have to purchase it separately? And aren’t those square-toed chunky black shoes darling! I thought you could only get those in the nursing home…on the day of your funeral.” Why, guys? WHY??? I mean, I sort of get it. You went to the thrift store and you found those amazing peg-legged Jordache jeans and you thought, “This will prove to everyone that I don’t care at all. I am so edgy by dressing like a dad.” And maybe you are. Maybe it is edgy and fresh to dress like a middle-aged dude mowing his lawn on a Saturday. Do you or whatever.
This brings me to my final “WTF” summer trend and I must preface it by saying that I was proven wrong. I wanted to hate the romper. I really did. It seems like it would be so easy to hate it. It’s a onesie for an adult. Sometimes it looks like a sagging diaper from the back. It’s annoying to pee completely naked, especially in drinking establishments that don’t believe in working bathroom locks, which happens to be around 90% of them. But I tried one on and it didn’t look terrible. It made my legs appear longer and it looked amazing with wedges or heels. It was a silky material that could be dressed up or down. It could be worn to a myriad of different events and it looked completely polished and flattering. But because it shouldn’t work in theory, it gets to stay on the list!
So in conclusion, is it sweater weather yet? I’m ready to layer some socks!