If only there was a blog for all of my regretsy’s…

Tags

Converse, Crochet, Etsy, Regretsy, twilight

Okay, there is so much absolute shit on the internet these days that it is a complete joy to find a site that makes my tattered black heart sing with pained joy (yes, I’m being dramatic but I still don’t have a job and one could say that it’s taking a bit of a toll on my perspective).  You have probably heard of Etsy, the Ebay for people who make shit.  You can find anything that your papier mache’d little heart desires and it gives artists a great platform for getting their designs and creations noticed (that is, if they’re good).

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that amongst all the sterling silver and jeweled rings inspired by the Twilight series (my birthday is December 29th, people!  Get cracking) there must be some horrendous crap that some glaucoma’d granny thinks you need.  Bitch just learned how to use the internet yesterday and believes that no household should be without a crocheted toilet paper roll (I wish I was kidding).  And you are absolutely right.  Which brings me too…

Regretsy (www.regretsy.com).  It takes all of the most ridiculous Etsy products and showcases them.  How else would you have known about the crocheted woman giving birth (comes with detachable umbilical cord)?  This blog is so fucking good that I literally laughed out loud and that rarely happens.   I want Helen Killer and Knitler Youth to be my BFF’s because their commentary is the only thing better than the Etsy rejects they feature.

I don’t want to give too much away but there is a Michael Jackson baseball and Pokemon menstrual pad.  Now TELL me you’re not interested.  Seriously, kids.  You won’t be disappointed.

Despite my adoration, there is only one product they feature that I don’t agree with:  The Twilight converse shoes, OBVIOUSLY.

These aren't the exact ones but you get the idea. Poll: Would you beat me up if you saw me wearing these? Yes or No?

Pastors Gone Wild!!!!

Tags

Britney Spears, Jeremiah Wright, molester, osmosis, pastor, pedophiles, scandal

http://osmosis-online.com/2009/09/11/pastors-gone-wild-crazies-psychos-and-pedophiles-oh-my/

Gettin' jiggy with it. Shit, I'm totally going to hell.

Put a sock in it!

Tags

gross, messy bun, smoky eye, socks with sandals, trends

I can’t quite pinpoint when hung-over college “bros” decided to get innovative and pair their sandals with stanky tube socks in order to beat the cold on their respective campuses, but I can pinpoint when I found this trend to be positively insulting. The answer is ALWAYS.

Why do dudes think it’s okay to do this? (Note: for the purposes of this article, I will pretend that women don’t wear socks with sandals even though I know that some of them do. And it’s disappointing. Devastating, even). Men are always making fun of fashion trends for women but they never think twice about looking like complete tools, albeit comfortable tools.

Okay, I will admit that some fashion trends for women should, in fact, die. These include but aren’t limited to: the obnoxious “I tripped and braked with my head” messy bun (enjoyed by sorority girls all over the great US of A), the wear-a-shirt-as-a-dress look (enjoyed by college guys and creepers alike), and the “it could be makeup OR I’m trying to hide the fact that my boyfriend beats me” smoky eye trend.

Guys, you don’t exactly put in all that much effort as it is so the LEAST you can do is either choose flip-flops (sans socks) or actual shoes where socks are both permitted and encouraged.  Please?

Remember, just say NO…to foot camel toe.

Hello! My name is Stanislav and I am here for the speed dating, yes?

Jon and Kate + H8

Tags

Aaden, Collin, Ed Hardy, Jon and Kate, Leah, Mady, osmosis

http://osmosis-online.com/2009/08/26/jon-and-kate-h8/

I want this! Plus t-shirt commentary…

Tags

blogging, cliche, douchebags, forever 21, t-shirt, that guy

What do we think?  Really cool or really big tool?  I’m going with the former because unlike the trendy “ironic” t-shirts of uhh…like two seconds ago, this one is straight-forward and honest.   I promise that if you see me wearing it, I will SO totally be blogging about it later.  Therefore, I think it is worth the steep $14 Forever 21 price tag. (I’m unemployed…do you know what $14 can buy an unemployed person??!  Cigarettes and two beers at least!)  However, if someone bought it for me I, like, totally wouldn’t mind.  Donation to the “Help Alisa stay clothed and fashionable during these intense recessionista times” fund, anyone?  I’m pretty sure we have enough people donating to homeless people and cancer funds.  Let’s get our priorities straight here, people!  Need. Forever21. T-shirt (and maybe some perspective.  Just a little).

And you will SO read it? Yes??

The only reason I’m so picky about t-shirt selections is because I feel that they can say a lot about the person that you are:

I probably wouldn't want this person event-planning my funeral

This shirt says you're probably as desperate as Megan Fox...and you might actually fart on the first date. HOT! You're delusional...and probably wanted in a few states.

You're a sensitive but witty guy who appreciates literature and you like cuddling. One day I would like to date someone like you.

Oh yeah, been there done that. It's apparently my favorite pick-up line.

Okay, you can start the partayy!! The resident virgin douchebags are hereee!

Did I save the best for last or what?  So you see, a t-shirt is a personal statement and I want my statement to be as truthful and original as possible. 

Therefore, no “I’m nucking futs” gear for this girl!

  

You look pretty…uhh you do too…and you…oh but not you :)

Tags

chinese food, fortune cookie, legg mason, pretty

Alright, before I start my totally awesome and in-depth journalistic piece on the dying art of fortune cookie writing, I would like to send a shout out to all my loyal readers (and mom’s co-workers) at Legg Mason.  What up Legg Mason???!!  If you love the blog, let me hear you SCREAMMMMM!!! WHOOOOOO!!!  Oh, also, thanks go out to my mom who has taken it upon herself to be my unofficial publicist.  Mad love to you too, mommy.  Thanks for letting me crash at your place while I try to find a real gig that, you know, pays in currency.  Word.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, I have some major beef with the fortune cookies that my family and I received today with our massive order (don’t let my mom’s thin frame fool you, Legg Mason.  Girlfriend can shovel food like it’s nobody’s business…actually, it probably is no one’s business.  Ooops).  There used to be a time when fortune cookies were creative.  They were even poignant in their simplicity.  They meant something.  You could carry them in your wallet as a good luck charm and no one would bat an eye because they’d all be like, “Dude, what did your cookie say?  Mine said I’m going to live an enlightened life and shit and I think it’s true ’cause my house has, like, a lot of…lamps.”  I even liked the cookies that relied on touches of irony and dashes of wit.  A personal fave?  “You are very hungry.”  That clairvoyant son of a bitch!  I was, in fact, hungry and it knew!  Total mindfuck.

Sadly, according to well placed sources (in my head), the bad economy has reached the food service industry, more specifically, the people that put the fortune cookies together and shit.  Nothing is sacred anymore, apparently. 

My mom was the first one to open hers and she blushed as she read it out loud: “You look pretty (smiley face).”  Alright, nothing weird about that.  My mom is pretty so it made perfect sense.  I decided to tackle mine next and after prying open the shell, I read my own fortune.  I expected it to say something like, “Shitty job market. It’s not your fault” or “there’s always prostitution (smiley face)” but instead it said, “You look pretty.”  Okay, granted I can clean up nice but what does that have to do with anything?  Has the bad economy created a shortage of cliche phrases?!  Is there no more originality left in this world?  Why did this upset me so much?  So many questions but answers, and fortunes, were few. 

My dad went to open his and when I saw the familiar “you look pretty” I really lost it.  Dad, you’re a cool guy.  Some of my friends would call you good-looking (ewww) but YOU ARE NOT PRETTY.  IF YOU LOOK PRETTY, THEN WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME???  I was really losing my cool at this point because I don’t have much of a life these days and I’ve become one of those people that talks to the TV and gets mad at fortune cookies.  After taking a moment to digest (haha, get it?) this repetitive information, my brother took his fortune cookie and opened it.

“What is it Jesse?  Are you fucking pretty too?  Are we just one big gorgeous family?” I scoffed.  He laughed and read his out loud: “You are broad-minded and socially active.”

“Haha,” I thought, as all my anger faded.  “Guess someone got hit with the ugly stick.”

This is the kind of creative shit I'm talking about!

More to Love: It’s like “The Bachelor” only the contestants ate themselves

Tags

bachelor, fat, more to love, obese, plus-size

The title of this post is mean.  I agree.  But even though I’m not plus-size, there’s definitely “more to love” (haha, I’m so clever) so therefore, I can say what I want.  Oh, also, the free speech rule thingie doesn’t hurt either.  This show intrigued me because while “The Bachelor” is vapid and full of so-called hot bods, “More to Love” is all about bigger and baggage.  The show has twenty really attractive (no, seriously, most of them are hot) ladies ranging from “pleasantly plump” to “sorry, there are no more euphemisms…you’re fat” and they are all competing for Kyle, a loveable guy who is 6’3″ and 330 lbs (think football player, not obese and lumpy).  Let me just put it out there that Kyle is adorable.  I wish I could date Kyle and I wish I could meet more guys like Kyle.  He’s 26, has a good job, and even goes running shirtless on the beach with his dog.  Helloooo marriage material.

But I digress.  So anyway, the first 30 minutes of the show is Kyle meeting all of the ladies one by one.  One of the best moments was when Natalia, a blonde girl from Texas asked him what his favorite food was and he replied, “I like anything thick and juicy.”  Oh I bet you do, Kyle.  I bet you do.  However, upon realizing his sexual slip, he added, “like, a steak or something.”  Then after the meet and greet, there was a party for Kyle and all 20 ladies and at the end of the night he had to eliminate five.  I have to hand it to Kyle.  Within minutes he was totally in his element.  He got two of the girls to make out with him (they were also the first two handed rings, which allowed them to stay at the elimination part…putting out is always a guarantee, ladies.  Just remember that) and he was shmoozing with the rest of them.  The contestant from Baltimore (I forgot her name so we’ll just call her “desperate”) decided to get Kyle’s attention by jumping in the pool fully-dressed.  After an awkward flailing moment, she realized that no one else was planning to get in so she just swam like she had meant to be there all along and asked out loud if she looked like a beached whale.  It made for fucking AWESOME television.

However, here is my problem with this show.  Whereas “The Bachelor” focuses on drama amongst gorgeous and skinny girls, “More to Love” showcases (some) trainwrecks that need to be in therapy, not on a national TV show.  Some of these girls had never been on dates and they spent the majority of their intro time crying.  It was actually REALLY depressing  Here’s a side-by-side look at Bachelor girls vs. More to Love girls:

Bachelor: Hi!  My name is Tiffany and umm…I have fake tits!  I love cooking, yoga, and tanning.  I couldn’t live without my lap dog BooBoo, and I enjoy meeting men and having them buy me drinks…or more fake tits.  lol.  <3<3<3

More to Love: I’m Melissa…but feel free not to remember that…you’re never going to talk to me again anyway.  Oh God, you like my thin friend, don’t you??  DON’T YOU?  I am going to be alone forever.  I hate myself and I’m going to get eaten by my cats.  DON’T LOOK AT ME!!

Here’s the worst part: some of these girls have been rejected their whole lives because they feel oppressed by the “skinny girl.”  However, on this show, they are pitted against other overweight girls and if they get eliminated, they can no longer blame it on their weight.  I wonder what will happen then?

New Jersey: It’s “different”

Tags

guido, hair, new jersey, trashy, wildwood

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against New Jersey.  Before I came to the University of Maryland, which has a fairly large Jersey population, I had never heard of the New Jersey stereotypes and I promised myself that despite the many arguments over this allegedly “fuckin’ awesome” state, I wouldn’t get involved.  I would be the peaceful Switzerland that chugged her natty light quietly in a stained beanbag chair circa garage sale 1999 and changed the subject to happier topics like campus suicides.

However, I must break my silence.  Even though I have met legit Jersey people that I love and respect (all five of you), I couldn’t look away when I saw this trainwreck of a youtube clip:

What’s that you say?  “But Alisa, this clip is ancient.  It’s from the 80′s/90′s and things have changed a lot since then.  Our hair isn’t that big and we don’t fight.”  Oh really, fictional person that cares enough about my blog to give a fictional soundbyte?  I think I can find a recent youtube clip that proves you wrong.  The only difference between the wildwood and “guido beach” clips are height and girth of hair. 

However, despite my haterade binge, I have to give credit to whoever coined the term “Mosguido” aka a guido who won’t leave you alone at the beach.  That’s pretty funny.  Maybe that guido beach dude was right: “New Jersey is the best state in New Jersey.”

UPDATE: After watching the clip again, I realize that the girl said “mosquito,” not “mosguido.”  Therefore, she wasn’t as smart or witty as I thought. Nevermind.

Why I am a big fan of small children

Tags

baby, babysitting, fisher price, good, naps

ooohhhh, a piece of string!

Eww, not like that, you pervs.  God!  Anyway, today I babysat a one-year-old and in those five fun-filled hours, I learned a lot about why little kids are so much better than adults.

-Are you a people pleaser?  Do you constantly try to impress your boss/friends/family?  With a kid, all you have to do is show them one object (from socks to floor lint) and they are instantly enamored.  You become the COOLEST person in the world for opening their eyes to such an amazing bottle cap/book sleeve/yarn ball.  They look at you like you are a god but hey, it’s all in a day’s work.

-You know the feeling that you get when you walk into a room and you feel like people are talking shit about your outfit behind your back?  Yeah, babies don’t do that.  They are genuinely good people because the world hasn’t swooped in with its death, destruction, and “reality” tv shows to obliterate their souls yet.  Babies will always show you how they feel straight up, with no bullshit.  I like that.  The one downside is that while they won’t talk about your outfit, it is very possible that they will spit up on it (it’s a small price to pay for genuine adoration though).

-No matter where they are or what they are doing, they are not afraid to dance when their favorite Fisher-Price jam comes on.

-They are humble.  It’s hard to take yourself too seriously when you shit yourself on a daily basis.

-There is no such thing as a tough crowd of babies.  A simple game of Peek-a-boo can turn any struggling comedian into an instant star.

-No matter how tough the day is, there is ALWAYS going to be nap time.

-They can totally pull off the floral “onesies” look.

Kids are so fucking cool and therefore, I think everyone should go and join the “little children” fan page on facebook (if there is a fan page for “I heart hot sex,” then there should be one for the occasional product of said hot sex).  It’s totally not weird, I swear.