:)

Tags

2009, employee of the month, job

Bitchfest 2009 is over.  I GOT A JOB. 

I mean, I’ll still bitch…let’s be honest.  But probably not as much, so that’s something, right?

Nothing witty to say. I'm just happy.

Actual dinner table conversation

Tags

boobs, conversation, dinner, jobs

Location: the kitchen

Time: 5:00 pm (we eat when senior citizens do…got a problem with that?)

Characters: Dad, Mom, Jesse, Alisa

Alisa: He said that he really liked me.  He said that he’d call and he still hasn’t.

Dad: I would give him a few more days.  Maybe he got the flu?  You know it’s going around.

Alisa: OR maybe he just isn’t interested in me.

Mom: Alisa, you really haven’t given it enough time. I’m sure he’s a nice guy who is interested.

Alisa: He shouldn’t have lead me on like that.  You don’t say you like me more than the others and then refuse to call when you say you will.

Dad: How many others is he seeing?

Alisa: two

Jesse: haha, slutty

Dad: Well then you’re just going to have to do something that none of the others have.

Alisa: show him my tits? (sidenote: Yes, I’m an Xtra Klassy truck driver.  I know this and so do my parents.  They love me anyway so don’t judge)

Dad: No, every slut does that.  Do something different.

Alisa: I mean, the interview went so smoothly.  It was amazing and he told me he was interested.  He should have called by nowwwww.

END SCENE

This economy/job search is the worst boyfriend I have ever had.  That is all.

This woman looks like a terrifying gremlin. However it pretty much sums up the way I feel.

Boredom Breeds Bat Shit Crazy…but in a good way :)

Tags

bored, cellphone, diploma, job, NYC, squirrels, text messages

Things I do to keep myself busy while I am in pursuit of that dream NYC entry-level job:

*Yesterday while eating breakfast, I saw two squirrels chasing each other outside the window.  I bet against myself on who would win and I was victorious.  Yay me!

*My cellphone has this feature that allows it to read my received text messages out loud.  There are few things more hilarious than getting my friends to text me ridiculous things just so I can hear them read in a female robot voice.  Example, “lol, you are a loser with no fucking future if you keep doing this.  GET A DAMN JOB”

*I go through my closet and create “professional outfits” so when I am employed, I will be stylin’.  My parents probably believe that I’m missing tenants upstairs (if you know what I mean) when I stroll casually through the house in my heels and power suits ready to take on the world…or at least make dinner.

*It is fascinating how many journal pages can be filled with some variation of the phrase, “I don’t have a life or a job so there really is nothing to write about…oh but I saw squirrels fighting today…”

*I check facebook about 50 times…and that’s on a good day.  I’m so good that stalkers stalk me because they want stalking advice so they can stalk better.  Umm, clearly this last sentence is a cry for social help.  Don’t just stand there PEOPLE!  No I get it, you’re too busy checking facebook.

*I create unique makeup looks so if the day comes that I have a serious social life again, I will be ready for all scenarios.  Drag show? check.  crime scene victim costume party? check. I’m a slutty whore party?  check.

*I chug alcohol and yell obscenities at my college diploma (in a totally classy way though.  Duh).  Example, “I paid $68,000 for you and you don’t even fit in a regular fucking frame?  What the fuck???  I have to buy a frame from UMD for $300 dollars???  I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF IT HAS MY NAME ENGRAVED ON IT…wait?  What?  I can add a personalized message too?  Oh, well THAT changes everything.  How about we write, “I am an idiot for spending so much money on a piece of paper that doesn’t guarantee anything and taunts me with its pretentious calligraphy and STUPID measurements.”

So basically, I’m a really well-adjusted and bubbly college grad who is just trying to find a job that will allow me to apply the skills I learned in college in a professional setting.  Please ignore the ranting ’cause I’m usually personable as shit and I’m a really great friend.  Oh also I’m a hard worker.  And I don’t yell at the diploma sober.  I swear.

Contrary to the tone of this post, this is NOT what I look like...yet

The cover letter that I wish I could send…

Tags

cover letter, desperate, job, NYC, office

Dear underpaid and underappreciated paper sorter in HR,

As I stare at my beautiful diploma sitting in front of me, I prepare myself for yet another entry-level job application.  You need an office assistant?  That’s fanstastic!  I have a lot of experience making phone calls and I keep things organized like only a badass motherfucker can.  I believe that paper clips have no place near staplers and I will ensure that there is a plastic bin separating the two.  Need an appointment?  Luckily, my college education has immensely improved my calendar skills so consider it done.  No really, it would be my honor.  Look, even though it’s not in my job description, if you need me to clean the kitchen nook where Kathy from billing always leaves her fucking mug to mold because her college degree didn’t provide dish-washing instructions, I will do that too.  It will be our little unpaid secret.  Basically, I’m your girl. 

I know you’re getting a million other resumes from Suzie Midwestern Girl Who Wants To Move To The Big City, but they don’t have my street cred.  I am from BALTIMORE.  They film “The Wire” here.  Enough said.  Okay, so maybe I live in the deer-infested suburbs half an hour away, but still.  I’m cosmopolitan, well-mannered, fucking awesome, and I’m a Jew from the Ukraine.  Hellooooooo diversity!

I shouldn’t have to mention this but I am quite the self-starter.  You wouldn’t even have to train me.  Like a show dog, I come fully functional.

Thanks for your time.  I completely look forward to your call.  No seriously, I’m literally waiting by the phone.  Please don’t break my heart…please???

Best wishes (whatever that even means),

Alisa sans dignity

I'm professional as shit

Why job interviews scare me

Tags

interviews, jobs, NYC, scared, whine

Well, the title is kind of a lie.  The interviews themselves are never stress-inducing.  I know my strengths, know my weaknesses (and no, it’s not that I’m a perfectionist or I spread myself too think aka the cliche dumb answers that everyone gives.  Because you know what?  You’re not that perfect and believe me, you could spread yourself thinner).

I know how to talk about my accomplishments so that I sound accomplished without being pretentious.  I know how to wrangle my boobs into minimizing tops so that the employers only notice my big brain (riiiiight) and I know how to spice up my answers with personal anecdotes.

However, I am direction-challenged.  It is no surprise to those who know me that I am only looking for jobs in NYC because it has been my life-long goal (since 9th grade because, really, who has a life before then?) to live in the city and pursue my ever-changing dreams of being a public relations professional, a writer, a blogger (who has over 40 views a day, I might add.  HELL YEAH!), a coffeehouse dweller, an open mic night reader, a vocalist on a trashy euro techno track, a travel writer, and a yoga teacher.

You might assume that this post is about finding direction in my life and what I want to do with myself professionally.  But you would be oh so wrong.  I mean directions in the literal sense.  I never know how to get places.  Even when I moved to my new house in 8th grade, I didn’t know how to get there.  I would tell my friends to “go straight for, like, a super long time and if you like see any deer you’re like totally almost there!”  Needless to say, my playdates were far and few in between.  Even when I drove, it took me a really long time to remember a road and because I deathly afraid of getting lost, I would just give up and not try harder.

This poses a problem.  Once I start getting interviews, I will have to actually go to them.  Meaning, I will have to navigate NYC by myself with no sense of direction.  It’s like that mouse trap game where they have to go through a million fucking obstacles to get one lame piece of cheese.  That’s like my life.  I will have to shed blood, sweat, and DEFINITELY many tears to find the job interview location only to hear a “it was great meeting you, expect our call…sometime” as I leave.

I sometimes have trouble falling asleep because I imagine myself getting lost somewhere in the village or midtown and never finding the interview location.  So you see, the real world isn’t about landing that dream job.  For me, it’s about physically finding it.

Uhhhhhh...

Frustration overload

Tags

doom, economy, jobs, real world

my future career???

Like many college grads slowly inching their way into the perpetual Doom-Fest that is the current job market, I find myself scouring every Job Search website that google has to offer in order to find a job that will apply what I learned these past four years and jump-start, what I hope will be, a lengthy and successful career.  The catch is that it also has to offer enough compensation to ensure that I won’t have to live in a converted cardboard box (GreAt StuDio ApARTment!!  SAfe AREA…few MurDerS LOL!), writing poems for spare change.

 Apparently, my quest is too ambitious.

 Problems that I have encountered while searching for jobs:

 -Most companies write that they require 3-5 years of experience.  Yet most companies do not hire entry-level jobseekers straight out of college even if they have internship experience in the chosen field.  Conundrum?  Clusterfuck? Mental Molestation?  You make the call.

-Actual Craigslist posting “Model/Actress wanted for secretarial position.  Must have knowledge of Microsoft Office as well as other organizational software.  Excel skills a plus.  PLEASE SEND PHOTOS!!!”  Seriously??…Enough said.

-”CuM dO PublIC RElatIons 4 a SmAll CumPany…PAy is CoMpetaTivee” Oh Craigslist, how you mock me in my humble quest for a CAreeR.

-Note: If a company’s job description includes de-stressing yoga classes, massages, nap time, or extended vacation time, refrain from drinking the Kool-aid.

-In my research I have found that people who list “must have a great sense of humor” in their job description really aren’t that funny themselves.  However, if you’re looking for a boss that gets his management and people skills from Michael Scott a la “The Office” then go ahead and apply!

-The elusive term “competitive pay” sometimes means competitive for a third world country.

-Because of the current economy, people that have 15-20+ years of experience in any given industry are being laid off and these people are trying to get my (currently MIA) entry-level job!  How am I supposed to compete with someone who has worked with Fortune 500 clients, received an MBA from Harvard, has hundreds of connections with industry people and can navigate crumbling Manhattan streets in 5-inch stilettos???!!!  I mean, 3-inch stilettos pose enough of a challenge for me!  How will I ever win?

 Yet despite these challenges, I pledge to persevere.  There has to be a job out there with my name on it and I am going to find it…even if I have to send in glamour shots.

Something has to change

Tags

college grad, harsh reality, job search, life

It is day 6 of post-grad life and the reason I keep count is because there isn’t much else to do.  I always bitch about not having enough free time when I’m at school so this should be amazing…but it’s not.  How my “real world” days usually work:

-wake up at 9 am in my high school bedroom surrounded by clouds everywhere I fucking look.

-Stumble over stuffed animals (wtf?)  as I make my way downstairs to make a quick breakfast.

-End up watching old episodes of “ER” for two hours.

-Spend a few hours job hunting/sending resumes/emailing/facebooking/etc.

-Go running and do yoga (because, you know, my life is so stressful and everything)

-family dinners where we watch Jay Leno and discuss whatever was on Oprah because it’s dad’s favorite show.  I wish I was kidding.

-watch a movie

-bed around 10.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?????  I know I’m taking a hiatus and everything will eventually work out but where can I get that in writing?!  At this point, I feel like a huge failure (imagine how I’ll feel on day 10…or12 ughhh).  Plus I have a huge “immigrant child” complex.  You know the one…the family came here with zero dollars and didn’t speak English and walked barefoot in the snow and sold themselves for money and…okay, I’m exaggerating a little but in all honesty, the only reason my parents became corporate rockstars is because their lives made them get their shit together really fast.  And here I am, with this college degree and big dreams in SHITTYSMALLTOWNSVILLE, MD with only this blog to keep me company 9-5.

My dad always tells me that people only fail because they put limitations on themselves and I think it’s really good advice that I plan to take…right after this “ER” episode.