15 Sunday Nov 2009
Posted in Commercials
It’s seriously mullet-tastic! This video is probably the main reason why the 80′s ended. I honestly could only sit through 2 minutes so I don’t know how this riveting montage ends. Does mullet number 12 get the girl? Does the blind guy get his romantic bubble bath? (anyone will do…he can’t see them anyway) Does the stud with the rose finally realize that he is the reason the word “douchebag” is used in reference to men?
Like, totally gag me with a spoon. For Sure.
11 Friday Sep 2009
Posted in Commercials
My dad sent me an email today with the subject line, “How to help a friend find a job or how to be the friend who needs help finding a job.” How fucking great. Yet another tutorial on the importance of connections.
Reluctantly, I clicked the link and when my Windows Media Player opened, I prepared myself for the inevitable lecture by some balding man in a cheap suit…or some skank with huge tits telling me how I should “make new friends and have unemployed cocktail parties ’cause you just never know when you could meet someone who is super-duper valuable!” Job searching is not all that different from a dating service. You can smell the desperation and rejection from a mile away.
Anyway, imagine my surprise when this popped up:
I am always amazed by great ads and commercials because they are so rare. Sometimes you see a commercial and wonder, “How the eff did that get past countless production meetings and filming? It SUCKS” The recent FIOS commercials, anyone? If I see that dumbass ginger act stupid one more time, I will flip a shit. I understand that it’s the only acting job he will ever get but honestly, I’d rather talk about my many hypothetical experiences doing porn, then write “I was the FIOS commercial guy” on my resume.
Yes, you dipshits. I know what your comeback is. “Alisa, at least he HAS a job.” Haha, HILARIOUS. No, really. I’m dying here. Anywayzzz, I love this pepsi commercial. They have always been the sort of brand that knows how to infuse pop culture with humor to make brilliant 30 second masterpieces. Ugh, and I could SO relate to this commerical. I just need someone to be a good friend and stick their head in a fishtank while beating themselves up.
Anyone? Anyone?
I don't like you.
30 Saturday May 2009
Posted in Commercials, Uncategorized
Tags
The Snuggie and Sham Wow were Nobel Peace Prize winning inventions compared to the sheer unbelievableness (new word created for the purpose of this post) of this absolutely FANTASTIC invention. How many times have I gotten into a car and doubled over in extreme pain because a seatbelt was digging into my cavernous boobs. HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES!!!??? This is AMERICA, not Turkmenitajikiafghaniboratistan…I deserve comfort and finally some brain trust found the solution.
Can we talk about the features of this amazing product please? For starters, you can place it on any part of the seatbelt and this product is unisex so be sure to get some mantiddies too! Also, the tiddy bear doesn’t waste time on subtlety or modesty and nestles himself, facedown, directly in between your fun bags. Can we just focus, for a moment, on the happily married, middle-aged couple, in the convertible, sporting their tiddy bears proudly? Now I’m not trying to imply anything negative about their sex life…but that’s probably because their sex life is a big NEGATIVE. Who created this product? Who believed so much in the power of the tiddy bear that they chose to get investors and sell it? I am convinced that you can create and sell anything in this country because there will always be willing consumers. This is truly the beauty of America.
I shit you not, this infomercial is real. I even called the number because after watching it:
a.) I was super excited to get one (DUHHHHH!!)
b.) I was suddenly filled with an all-consuming fuzzy feeling that told me I would be alright in my life. If someone could get this shit patented and put on TV in classic infomercial format, then there is no dream too big for me. I can do anything…and so can you!
Because, really, $14.95 is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
30 Saturday May 2009
Posted in Commercials
Tags
So there I was, sitting in my kitchen this morning eating cereal and flipping channels until I stumbled upon my favorite guilty pleasure, TLC’s “What Not To Wear.” However, this post is not about getting my daily fix of fashion rejects and heartwarming stories of thrown away mom jeans (you know, the ones with the crotch-to-neck zipper and thigh pleats in hip shades of acid wash and dishwater). No, my beef is with the gem of a commercial that rudely interrupted my show and assaulted my emotions with its brutality.
We have all seen the “sponsor a child” ads before. They typically feature kids without shoes looking sad and staring at the screen with their hurt eyes and some creepy looking guy sporting a santa beard telling us that we CAN save a child for 50 cents a day. These commercials have always made me feel slightly uneasy and guilty but they had the emotional impact of Sham Wow infomercials when compared to the “Meet Alex” spot that cut into my reality TV time.
I could tell from the first five seconds that this was going to be a huge debbie downer. As soon as I heard actress Laurie Metcalf’s shaky and strained voice, I knew this wasn’t going to be the same Jackie Harris that made us all (and by all, I clearly mean weird people that watched Roseanne) laugh. This was serious business and she had my attention. She’s representing PlanUSA (some non-profit…I was too lazy/emotional to research) and using Alex to get her point across.
I would describe the commercial in-depth but I honestly don’t want to watch it again so I’m attaching the YouTube video of it and I’ll share the overall premise. We meet Alex. He is 12 years old and has WATCHED both of his parents die. He has no other family except for a practically fossilized grandmother and he has to raise his four younger brothers himself. These younger brothers just happen to be the most adorable kids in the world and one shot shows Alex feeding them scraps of food while remaining hungry because there isn’t enough to go around. I know this because Laurie’s practically crying while telling us this in an emotional voice-over. There is another shot of Alex looking at a photograph of his dead mother and the camera pans on his tear-stained cheeks. And there’s fucking Laurie again, telling me to save the children. She even says that I can choose which child I want to save. So because of this commercial, I bawled alone like an asshole and totally couldn’t eat my cereal anymore AND I became even more depressed that I was unemployed because I couldn’t save Alex and his band o’ brothers. Buzzkill much? Seriously the most selfish commercial of all time.
In all seriousness though, at the non-profit where I used to work, my boss called this sort of thing “humanitarian porn” because it’s voyeuristic and weird to watch people suffering and it doesn’t typically achieve the intended goal. People want to help but don’t because they think someone else will.
This is precisely why I dried my eyes and went back to familiar images of fashion-impaired people crying hysterically over the wrong cut of jeans.
