You know a show has made it big when even the Ukraine has its own version. I mean they aren’t exactly known for being “down with the 2000′s” yet. To them, Michael Jackson just came out with the “Thriller” album and he’s probably still black. Their version of a facebook page is a Russian bride profile (I is great cook and I can has many childrens for you! I likes all American boy!) and if it wasn’t a living animal at some point, then it’s not fashion.
Okay, maybe it’s not all that bad. However, there was probably a reason my parents and I died laughing when we saw the part of “Eurotrip” where they go to Eastern Europe:
You know why it’s funny? Cause it’s true. But anyway, before the former KGBee-gees come out and shoot me, I will say that apparently Ukraine does have something to offer other than its lovely cuisine (cow tongue, anyone?).
Check it out. It’s 8 minutes but I PROMISE it will be the best 8 minutes of your day:
I won’t lie. I cried like a little bitch but everyone else did too. This girl is not only hot but she can make magic out of sand (sidenote: only in Ukraine would someone discover a talent like this. If you don’t have toys, you go play with sand. Duh.). However, it’s still better than someone burping the alphabet or all the states on “America’s Got Talent” so I guess there’s that. Anyway, it’s pure artistic poetry and I am glad this girl won.
Now let’s break out the vodka, fur coats, and cow tongue to celebrate!
Alright, please take a moment to watch the following video. After you are done saying “what the fuck was that?” I will explain:
What you just saw wasn’t some rap star’s entourage. No, those roughly ten million black cars were part of Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov’s convoy. Basically, the dude wanted to go for a joy ride around town and decided to stop traffic. This isn’t even a big shot we’re talking about here. To put it into perspective, let’s say that Delaware’s governor (don’t know/don’t care what his/her name is. Too lazy to research, which kind of proves my point) decided to employ hundreds of people to be a part of his/her entourage. And let’s say that he/she had a sudden urge to go to IHOP (because their pancake breakfast is badass) and decided to stop traffic and cause a scene in order to do so. Clearly, the American people would do the American thing and yell obsenities/throw feces/riot/make funny signs, etc. in order to get their subtle point across that they won’t tolerate such extravagant spending.
Yeah, doesn’t quite work that way in Chechnya. When the Los Angeles Times wrote about Kadyrov, they said, “The young president has silenced dissent, pacified the Russian republic and embarked on a massive reconstruction campaign. His critics are hard to find, because they have a habit of disappearing.” Hmm, how about that? I’m sure they’re just vacationing somewhere…in the afterlife.
If Kadyrov wants to ride with one hundred of his closest pals, no one says a word. In fact, the gunshots you heard in the video were not signs of protest. Rather, they were shots of admiration from soldiers. I personally prefer a handshake ’cause it’s less deadly but whatever makes him happy. I’m not trying to be a disappearing critic.
I guess you could argue and say that the President was merely trying to ensure that he was being protected and that’s why he needed over 50 cars but you would be very, very wrong. At the end of the video, you can see a huge ass unmarked truck in the middle of the road. If that truck had been full of explosives, Chechnya would have been blown to bits (huge loss, I know). However, it was left unattended and unsecured. Sounds like a truly winning combo.
Therefore, there is one logical conclusion: Ramzan Kadyrov: 1 Fat Joe feat. lil wayne: 0
As if I don’t already have enough people telling me to vacuum sand and feather-dust trees, along comes Laurent Wolf to really bring the message home:
I mean, I guess it’s a good thing that a major Euro hit (I’m not kidding) is promoting sustainable living. I can’t really imagine European ravers recycling their glowsticks after an epic “discotheque” danceoff but at least it’s getting the message out there.
You know what the bigger question is? Do these girls actually put this video experience down on their resumes? It’s not exactly a “big break” when you’re an Earth maid in a REALLY bad outfit. Please tell me you all saw the horrific white shoes and baseball cap combo??!! And then there’s Laurent himself making creepy cameos left and right. Listen dude, you’re a french Tribal-house producer, not Rachel Carson. Stop making me feel guilty for not straddling trees (yet another wtf moment presented by “wash my world”).
And to the girl suggestively dancing on the back of a garbage truck: What would your mother think, young lady? Forget the world. Go wash yourself, skank.
is like trying to find meaning in anything that the women on “The View” say. Their lips are moving, they’re funny to look at, but at the end of the show you’re left with a headache and one question: “What the fuck just happened to me?” Unfortunately, I’m quite the masochist because I live for bad eurotrash music videos. Some might say that I am a connoisseur of tasteless tunes and their accompanying images. I could write a thesis on this shit because there are prevailing themes and archetypes that exist in most techno videos. These include but aren’t limited to: naked girls, girls dressed in skanky “fantasy wear” (nurses, doctors, police officers, etc), images of fire, people playing with fire while attempting to dance hip-hop and looking painfully European and uncoordinated, metrosexual men and the blondes that love them, horrendous lyrics that are more “velveeta” than “poetic,” images of pretty scenery, lots of pleather, etc. etc. I could go on and on but there is no need because I present to you…Basic Element’s “Touch You Right Now” (VIDEO HAS AWKWARDLY PLACED BOOBIES IN IT SO MAKE SURE YOUR BOSS ISN’T BEHIND YOU)
Alright, let’s get one thing straight. Europe is, in fact, awesome. A continent that has created Nutella, myself, and Robert Pattinson cannot be bad in my book. However, this video, brought to us by the Swedish powerhouse trio (that no one outside of Sweden has heard of) “Basic Element” is one of the best examples of Eurotrash that I have ever seen. It’s a 3 minute “What the fuck is wrong with this picture?” and I have taken the time to break it down for you lesser minds that don’t have my extensive knowledge of this truly majestic musical genre.
We start with the basics: people doing gymnastics in a blazing inferno. Nothing new there. But then the video progresses and includes an ethnic looking man and his quest to properly wear a bandana, a British rapper that makes muffled sounds but I can’t tell if there are actual words in his flow, a Swedish blonde with perfectly proportioned (FAKE I tell you!) tits that she can’t WAIT to fondle with her acrylic porn star nails, a lead vocalist (is he sexy? I can’t tell but I’m leaning towards yes) wearing a suit and dancing while a mirage of a disco ball (serious special effects going on here) spins around his head, among other iconic images. What’s so amazing about this video is that one could spend a lifetime searching for symbolism and would NEVER find it. The answer is D. There is no symbolism. There is no meaning. This acid trip of a video complements the song because the “artists” hope that you will be so enthralled by the images, that you’ll forget how crappy the lyrics are.
All in all, it’s a massive success that will live forever because trashtastic techno is timeless…and I don’t need a Ph.D to understand that.
UPDATE: After carefully re-watching the video about a billion times, I have decided that the lead singer is sexy. There’s just something about that suit…and how seriously he takes his “music.” Also, I shouldn’t hate on techno so much because it really is one of my life goals to be a scantily-clad dimwit dancer in a techno video (sorry mom, it’s true). Dream big, my friends, dream big.
