When I was younger, I was always immersed in various physical activities. These included gymnastics (lasted about a month until my crippling fear of the trampoline overcame my desire to be flexible), karate (white belt represent!), modern dance (my pudgy fourth grade self wore a blue leotard/layered tulle dress and danced her heart out to a very emotional performance of Celine Dion’s ”my heart will go on”) and basketball (I made two baskets in two seasons…pretty impressive stats in my opinion). If there is anything this comprehensive list of fail teaches me, it’s that perseverance is not always a good thing. Sometimes you just gotta hang in the physical activities towel and accept failure…or obesity. Whichever comes first.
And hang in the towel I did. Fortunately, I stayed fit on my own terms…at the gym…where no would ever count on me to score the winning basket. Oh, who am I kidding. No one would ever count on me to score any basket.
Apparently, this aversion to sports was not appreciated by most people in my life including my brother, various co-workers, friends, and my loving boyfriend. My parents, fortunately, were too European to care. If I wanted to survive football season without succumbing to death by boredom, I would have to actually give a shit. Now, I had never watched a full football game before. When I went to the University of Maryland, I went to a Terps football game once, and it was only to watch the marching band (hey, some of their formations look REALLY hard). I left after that and never came back.
Today I can proudly say that thanks to hours of exhaustive and patient coaching and explaining by the boyfriend, I can bring you this colorful conversation:
Eric: Alisa, what did the Steelers just do to the Raven’s quarterback?
Alisa: Ummmm…hit him?
Eric: Where are my balls located?
Alisa: In skin?? Duh!
Eric: SACK!!!!!! THEY SACKED HIM!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!
This ultra classy conversation with my beloved only proves that I still have a little bit to learn. Sadly, the Ravens lost today in an epic battle against the Steelers and after stressing about the game for over three hours because it really WAS exciting and interesting, I don’t think I have it in me to root for a losing team again.
It brings back too many painful childhood memories.
In case you were wondering why I was so bad at sports...I may or may not have owned this CD. I also may or may not have enjoyed singing along to it...alone in my room.
