Tags
A&E, forehead tattoo, Jesse James, Joseph Stalin, Kubler-Ross, Michelle McGee, Sandra Bullock, sex kitten, sluts
Remember the good ole’ days when a man cheated on his wife with only ONE woman?
It was usually his hot secretary or some other sex kitten who provided an escape from his marital problems and while it was emotionally damaging for the wife, at least she only had one chick to worry about. Now the “sex kitten” has been replaced by a conveyor belt of sex rodents. These are women who will fuck anyone as long as it somehow makes them famous or noticed. Jesse James (the name REALLY should have been a red flag) isn’t the first dude to profit off of these salacious skanks but he is the most recent. Like many women, I went through the five stages of grief when I found out about his numerous affairs. I generally try to stay out of the love lives of celebrities because I don’t really give a shit but with Sandra it was different. Everyone would do Sandra Bullock. Not only is she super hot, she’s also a decent human being and those are really hard to find…especially in LA.
Following the Kubler-Ross model, naturally the denial came first. “Ummm, no fucking way. Not possible. Absolutely not.” It was followed by the anger: “How could he cheat on her with that gross girl who looks like a bad Ed Hardy t-shirt??? She calls herself a bombshell? Yeah, according to “Jersey Shore” terminology, she’s more of a grenade launcher. She has a forehead tattoo? What an asshole! I skipped past the bargaining stage and went directly to depression: So if Sandra Bullock aka the coolest girl ever was cheated on, doesn’t that mean that every guy I meet will cheat on me? What’s the point of dating? WHAT IS THE POINT?? I should just let myself go and start hoarding a bunch of shit until A&E does an Intervention/Hoarders 2 hour special on me. Luckily, this stage did not last long because acceptance finally settled in: Not all men are bad. Sandra deserves better and I shouldn’t compare every potential love interest to Jesse James because that could lead to really awkward first date conversations ex. “Soooo, fuck any aspiring fugly models lately?” I choose to believe that not every guy wants to bang a girl with a forehead tattoo and if he does, then maybe I shouldn’t date him. Enlightening, right?
So the moral is this: NEVER get a forehead tattoo…because they make it hard for anyone to take you seriously AND don’t date someone named Tiger Woods, Jesse James…or Joseph Stalin for that matter.
Sup Joey?
